Muslims Riot to Prove Islam is a Religion of Peace

Upset by recent remarks Pope Benedict recently made about 14th century Islam, Muslims around the world have planned organized stampedes around the world to show that Islam is a religion of tolerance for all ideas. "God willing, we will show these heathens what God is about - loving our neighbors and expressing gratitude for any ideas they espouse," said university student Falikh al-Sharat in Paris, France. "It is time the wrath of God comes down amongst our enemies so they can understand that they should not fear us but show respect to us and Mohammad, just as we respect them. Allah Akhbar!"

Many Muslims have organized in key cities, such as Paris, London, New York, Moscow and Jakarta, and using armed weapons and molotov cocktails expressed outrage that some non-Muslims find their religion oppressive and violent. "We want to explain that free speech is something all Muslims agree is very important. We want everyone to be able to live without fear of oppression and know that their speech will be heard, understood, and taken into consideration by all. That is why this newspaper that prints vile filth about the Koran must be destroyed!"

Survey Shows Israel Has World's Largest Supply of the World's Most Precious Resource: Jews

A groundbreaking geological survey taken by the Geological Society of America and set to publish next month in Geology Archive shows that since its inception, Israel has dominated the world market by having an abundant supply of Jews. Kim Davis, managing editor of the magazine, explains that "Jews have always been sought after in world affairs. Due to craftiness, persecution complexes and general sneakiness they have managed exert an enormous influence on world affairs. They have produced dozens of Nobel Prize winners, world leaders, and wealthy bankers. It's no wonder the Middle East is in such conflict - each party is seeking to amass the most number of Jews in their homeland. It's been determined that Jews own pretty much everything"

Some have speculated that Jews could become a new form of currency among powerful countries with the ability to market those of Abraham's lineage. "Say, for instance, back in the 1930s America wanted to 'sell' Albert Einstein," says Harvard Economics professor Michael Dean. "It would be relatively simple for the United States to place Albert Einstein on the world market, so to speak, and sell at a fair price. Perhaps they could take an Ariel Sharon (before becoming sick, of course) and an Alan Dershowitz as a fair trade. Or 5 CEOs, whatever they want. The point is, the trading of Jews as a commodity is coming, and they better watch out. Er, this is an exciting development for everyone!"

Reclassification of Pluto as Non-Planet Throws Scientific, Teaching Communities into Chaos

In August, the International Astronomical Union made the decision to reclassify the definition of planet, and in doing so excluded Pluto as one of the 9 planets in the solar system. Since then, industry experts and teachers' unions have been in turmoil over the decision.

"Basically, we're trying to figure out what happens now," said Dave Brown, a space industry expert that closely tracks the scientific community. "No one has ever calculated what could happen when thousands of mobiles suddenly become obsolete. We think that America is going to be ok, but we don't know for sure and it may take us some time before we sort the situation out."

For instance, new sales of the Disney's dog "Pluto" (renamed "134340" to reflect the former planet's name change) dropped almost 75% in one week alone. Science text books have been recalled already, and students at some universities are in an uproar.

"I mean, first they take away Pluto, man, but that's just the first step." explained college junior Stephen Brown at Carleton. "What next, taking away our guns, our right to vote? Maybe they take away the 'right' of reproduction. I'm just not going to stand for it." Other students across the country have participated in candlelight vigils with placards reading "Save Pluto from Death!" and burning the periodic tables.

Teachers have also been in confusion over the changes of rules. According to new surveys, 78% of science educators will still maintain Pluto's status as a regular planet, with another 10% of teachers saying that Pluto will instead be named an "enemy" or "rogue" planet during their lectures. Even more basic curriculum has been changed, such as the previous acronym for the planets (My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas). Although a consensus acronym has not been formed, by a 2% margin the teacher's union narrowly defeated a resolution that called for the new acronym being "My Very Educated Mother Just Sexed Us Nastily".